


never been so alone; never been so alive (la douleur exquise)

by afrocurl



Category: X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Emotionally Compromised, Emotionally Constipated Erik, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Honestly Charles What Are You Thinking, M/M, Resolved Sexual Tension, Trains, Travel, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-09-25
Packaged: 2017-12-27 13:52:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afrocurl/pseuds/afrocurl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erik's wedding was meant to be an ending and then it wasn't. Then it was a beginning of something else entirely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never been so alone; never been so alive (la douleur exquise)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ikeracity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikeracity/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Axis On A Tilt](https://archiveofourown.org/works/252896) by [Clocks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clocks/pseuds/Clocks). 



> As a gift to Ike after her [bunny for adoption](http://ikeracity.tumblr.com/post/62041471699/plot-bunny-for-adoption) post and then I remembered Clock's "Axis On A Tilt" and it well went from there.

Charles still isn’t sure how he manages to keep a smile on his face when Erik announces to everyone who will listen that Anna Marie has agreed to marry him. The bar is filled with their officemates and Erik’s small group of friends and it makes Charles miserable to watch it all.

Erik’s arm is possessively wrapped about Anna Marie’s hips, as if the minute Erik lets go, she’ll disappear. Charles is positive she won’t, just as he’s positive that he needs at least five more drinks to feel less like a bag of dicks.

Charles likes Anna Marie well enough, but he would like her more if she made Erik miserable. It’s stupid, he knows, to harbor a crush and lust for his best friend like this, but Charles has never been good at being more than a shoulder for Erik to lean on, all this time.

Part of how their relationship works: Charles gives more and takes far less. Resignation has replaced annoyance at the disparity in Charles’ mind, even if that seems far too simple an explanation.

The drinks help, after he does three shots in five minutes. He’s buzzed now and floating near enough to Erik and Anna Marie that he hears how Erik’s gushing about how he’s the luckiest man in the world to have Anna Marie and how their marriage is going to be perfect.

Charles heads back to find something stronger than vodka to make him forget Erik’s words.

-

Erik asks Charles to be his best man, and as much as it sounds like torture, Charles agrees. 

Between the bachelor party, and all the other to-dos, it’s more time with Erik.

That’s all Charles wants: time to bask in the glow of his friend’s presence.

He’s stupid for wanting something so simple, but he’s never been good with his emotions.

-

The bachelor party preparations nearly do Charles in. Erik’s asked for nothing too over the top, but Charles knows Erik well enough to know that there’s no way Erik will deny Charles this one night.

How he manages to find a strip club that has both male and female strippers is a miracle he’s grateful for.

Charles can spend a few hours watching Erik as women give him the last of his freedom and Charles will find a quiet corner and get a private dance from a guy.

It’ll be just enough that maybe Charles can think that the dancer is Erik. Maybe just enough to imagine that Erik could do that for him. Maybe just enough to know he’ll be perfect for someone.

There are so many maybes when it comes to Erik that Charles doesn’t think about anything else.

He has always lived in terms of maybes and might-have-beens, and he always will.

-

Faint thuds wake Erik up and he wants to curse at whoever thought it was a good idea to knock on his door before 11AM, but he manages to extract himself from around Anna Marie and find out who’s there. There were probably too many drinks at the rehearsal dinner last night, but everyone had chosen to be over-the-top with their stories, and it was all he could do to survive. At least no one had to drive home - everyone’s staying in the same hotel where the reception is after a trip to the courthouse.

They decided that all normal wedding conventions are bullshit and won’t spend more than a few hours apart before the wedding. He’s glad that everyone else knows what the two of them think of those, but it’s even too early for all the groomsmen to get him ready, or for the bridal party to start on hair and make-up: the wedding’s still half a day away at this point.

Through the peephole, Logan’s gruff face is all Erik sees. “What is it, asshole?” he asks, because he knows that Logan wouldn’t be here unless the world is close to burning down.

“Let me in and I’ll tell you, dick.”

Erik appreciates that Logan, as Anna Marie’s best friend, gives Erik no shit. He sees something of himself and Charles in Logan and his fiancee. That’s why Logan’s one of the groomsmen, and why he’s sure they haven’t come to blows.

“Spit it out,” Erik says because he’s got no patience for anything today, except getting married and starting a life with someone always at his side.

“Charles left. There’s a note for you,” is all Logan says as he grabs an envelope from out of his back pocket.

“What do you mean he left?”

“Just what I said. Left. Gone. Hank was alone when he woke up.”

This makes no sense in Erik’s mind. Charles has always been by his side for huge decisions - where to go to college, what to do with his life after college - and Charles not standing at his side as he promises his life to Anna Marie is impossible to process.

“Thanks,” he mumbles and Erik hopes that Logan will take the hint and leave. Only he doesn’t.

“Can I see Marie?” Logan asks. Erik shrugs and stares at the letter.

The envelop rips easily under his thumb and then Erik’s left to read the letter in solitude.

_Someone told me a phrase in French and it struck me how apt it was for us: la douleur exquise._

_I can’t be there. I can’t explain why. But I can’t._

_Goodbye._

Erik wants to burn the paper and scream at Charles all the same, but he forces himself to think about the day. There’s still a wedding.

Anna Marie and Logan walk out of the bedroom and Erik only half hears them asking questions.

“What’s wrong?” she asks just before she comes to sit next to him.

“Charles left. I have to find him.”

“You _have_ to find him?”

“I can’t do this without him,” is all he says, almost in a whisper.

She nudges his ribs, and looks into his eyes. He’s seen her search his expression like this before, and normally he doesn’t mind, but he knows that Charles has run away and that he wants to find him. He needs that explanation.

After what feels like eons, she looks over to Logan. They share a long look, Erik knows from his peripheral vision, and then they both look back at him. “Go,” she says. “Find him.”

-

There’s nothing at Charles’ hotel room to suggest where he is. In fact, his phone stares at Erik on the nightstand as Hank looks confused.

“He didn’t say anything, I swear.”

Erik nods, because he knows that Charles keeps things close to his chest. 

His best bet is Raven, and that’s not a conversation he really wants to have today.

Telling Charles’ sister that Erik lost her brother during his wedding will just add one more point to her never-ending list of Erik's faults.

-

“I only know he took one of the credit cards and left. He said he needed to find himself. He’s always been your other half, you know.”

Erik sighs loudly through the phone. “He never said anything.”

“Of course he wouldn’t. It’d hurt him too much for you to know how much he needed you.” A beat later, Raven says, “He took the train to DC.”

“Thank you,” he says and hangs up.

Charles has at least five hours on him, maybe more, and DC’s a big city.

-

On the off-chance that Charles didn’t taken an earlier train, Erik waits at Penn Station and gets on a Southbound train for DC.

It’s a quiet ride, for the most part. There are businessmen on and off the train at Philadelphia and as he watches them all scuttle to and fro, Erik thinks.

Anna Marie was quick to let him leave, but he’s not sure why. Does she know something about his relationship with Charles that he doesn’t? Possible, but he knows that Charles only gives her the time of day when it’s imperative - planning a party for his birthday or some other event to celebrate all that Erik’s been accomplishing at work - but other than that, they've always kept each other at arm's-length. 

So, it’s not that she knows about what Charles wants. He doesn’t know what he wants from Charles besides a best friend and confidant. But if he doesn't know what else he wants from Charles, does she - and Logan - know something he doesn't?

Erik tries to shake the questions that keep jumping up to his mind as he thinks about that.

There’s still the problem of finding Charles once he’s in DC.

-

Once he’s in DC, Charles has no idea what to do next. His time alone has done nothing so far. He’s still lost without Erik. His phone in New York means that he’s not going to talk to anyone outside of an occasional email.

Better if he’s alone.

Without Erik, he’s always been alone. But now, Erik’s married. Happy, even.

Charles feels more miserable than he did in the City.

He drops his shoulders as he walks from the trains to the Metro, idly dropping a twenty into a busker's guitar case.

“Thank you,” the man says, though Charles hardly pays any attention.

-

It’s a foolish idea. There’s no way that Erik will find Charles here. No way.

By the time he’s out of the train, it’s late, almost too late for the Metro to be running. The remaining signs of life in the station are packing up and calling it a day.

Erik wishes he could do the same.

As he walks towards the Red Line information, a man with a guitar nearly runs into him. “Sorry,” the man says.

Erik wants to grumble back, but he pauses. “Hey can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” the man says.

“Did you see a man earlier today, half a foot shorter than me, short brown hair?”

The man nods. “He gave me a twenty as he walked past maybe six hours ago. He looked lost.”

“Thanks,” Erik says as he fishes out a five for the guy’s time.

At least he knows Charles is still safe.

-

In the sea of tourists, Charles is more lost than before.

Of course, he’s hiding in plain sight, nestled between scores of families and students, but there’s something just as lonely about being surrounded by everyone else.

As he looks up at the scaffolding on the Washington Monument, watching people end their night along the walkways between Smithsonian buildings, he can’t help but think of Erik.

They shared a trip here as boys, looking at colleges with their respective parents’ permission.

Collapsed on the lawn, they had laughed after realizing that there was very little that they wanted from either American, Georgetown or George Washington.

Charles wants to scream at that memory. He wants to forget everything Erik shaped, and here he is, looking to the past instead of towards the future.

Leaving is the only option. There won’t be another train until the morning, so for the time being, he finds his way to a hotel, and checks in for the night.

-

From the bar, Erik has a decent advantage of the comings and goings of the rest of the other patrons. But seven drinks in, his mind is sluggish and tired.

A flash of short brown hair darts past his field of vision just before he can move to see if it’s Charles.

He calls it a night after that and trudges into his room.

Sleep finds him quickly and he welcomes the vague nothingness that comes.

-

Erik’s hunched over a stool at the bar, and Charles freezes.

There’s no way Erik should be here. He should be with Anna Marie on their honeymoon.

Too afraid to ask, Charles bolts for the elevators. He needs to leave as soon as he can in the morning. He won’t let Erik see him and ask him what his note meant.

He’s not ready to admit what he’s known for years: he loves Erik. He always will.

Quickly, he stops at the elevators and thinks. The Business Center is to his right and he walks in. Books another train ticket for New Orleans - a place he’s never been - and then heads back to his room.

There’s only a few hours between now and the train, and he needs to be gone before Erik wakes up.

-

Another morning and another hangover. He thinks nothing of the pain as he showers and dresses. He finds aspirin in the gift shop and swallows the two pills dry.

As he’s about to go back to his room and plot his next move, he catches a glint of gold on the floor next to a torn corner of paper.

It’s Charles’ cufflinks, or one of them, and a printout that says he’s on the first Crescent Route train to New Orleans.

Faster than he knows he can, he calls and books a seat on that train. Today’s has already left, so he has to wait.

Torture is what it feels like. He books another day in the hotel and sits in his room.

There are too many memories of Charles out on the Mall. Too many memories clouding his judgment.

The only point of clarity he finds is that he needs to talk to Charles. Figure out their footing.

-

Settled into his own sleeper car, Charles breaths a sigh of relief. He has a full day, if not more, before Erik can catch up to him, and in the solitude of his own space, he’s happy.

There’s simply knowing that Erik’s in search of him that fills him with elation. Erik cares for him. He isn’t married to Anna Marie. Erik’s looking for him.

Maybe there’s a chance he can have what he’s always wanted.

Just maybe.

-

Erik’s frustrated. Charles has a day on him getting to New Orleans, and there’s a part of him that would rather fly and beat Charles there, but there’s an equally rational part of him that thinks chasing after Charles this way will clear his head.

He called Anna Marie while he waited in DC and she sounded fine. Happy even. She’s going to take her time off (The Honeymoon) and go home for a while. Sort out what to do when they’re both back in New York and not engaged.

He knows that feeling; in a way, that's what he's doing with all the hours on these trains.

He’s also thinking of Charles.

Why he’s so insistent on chasing him.

Now that he’s had almost two days to think about it, he’s not after Charles for the security of his best friend at his side.

Deeper than that, the emotions muddle together. Part friendship, part longing, part something else.

Erik hasn’t named that remaining part yet. Twenty plus hours on a train will give him plenty of time to figure it out, he hopes.

-

New Orleans is, once he’s finally in the French Quarter, everything that Raven had said it was. There’s a charm in the vibrancy of the architecture mixing with the locals, students and tourists alike.

Bustling people catch his attention as he finds a hotel for the next few days. There are so many voices mixing together that it’s easy to fall into a lull.

He’s happy to be amongst people who needn’t know his life story. Instead, they’re happy to take his order and leave him with his novel.

Peaceful in all the chaos, Charles decides to stay.

Here’s as good a place as any to sort himself out.

-

The last day has done Erik some good. Just as they pass into Alabama, Erik realizes what he couldn’t name before. Mixed with all his other emotions of Charles is a love that he’s never questioned.

But, it’s not the sort of love he felt for Anna Marie; that love had been hard-won and never came without costs. What he felt about Charles was easy, simple, like breathing. It just was. 

He loves Charles, and in a way that is the polar opposite of his feelings for Anna Marie. She must have seen it in his eyes as he held Charles’ letter. He’s sure that he had never felt like that when she left for business trips. But he felt lost every time that Charles had to do the same.

He sulked without his other half and everyone gave him a wide berth, except for her, when it happened.

He would need to make it up to each of them, in different ways.

She deserves so much more than him, Erik knows. He's not even sure why she said yes when he proposed to her.

And he has to show Charles that there’s more than friendship between them.

-

Cliched or not, there’s something beautiful about sitting in Cafe du Monde with his espresso and his beignets and his book.

The crowds come and go on a Saturday, though it’s always busy and that keeps Charles calm.

Surrounded as he is, he’s easy to miss. Erik, if he’s following him still, will have to work hard to find him here.

Turning a page, he hears his name through the tables. “Charles! Oh Charles!”

He looks up, sees Anna Marie with a man who isn’t Erik. “Hello,” he says when the two of them are closer to avoid him yelling in return. 

“Charles, this is Remy. Remy, this is Charles. Charles is Erik’s best friend. Remy’s an old family friend,” she says, bouncing as she does. 

“Nice to meet you,” Charles says. He’s curious about why she’s here and why there’s a man who looks as though he wants to devour her whole, but he remains quiet. “What brings you here?” he asks instead, since she shouldn’t be here, just as he shouldn’t be.

“Well,” she flashes her left hand, devoid of her engagement ring, “I’m not married. I took the time off to come visit my family in Mississippi and decided to come see Remy here. You?”

“Hiding in plain sight. But clearly that’s failed.” He smiles, the one he knows says he’s being mischievous, and lets it pass. She’s always been adept to pick up on his meaning when the time calls for it.

“Yes, it has failed. But I know Erik’s on his way here, if he’s not here already. Fair warning.”

Remy’s grip on her waist grows tighter at the mention of Erik’s name and he smiles. “Thanks. I’ll look out.”

He waits for them to leave before he closes his book and starts to process what Anna Marie’s said. Erik’s following him, still. All of those maybes he’s believed in are, possibly, more and more likely to be actualities. 

The idea thrills him, and so he goes back to his drink and his pastry, smiling broadly.

-

Even at 5 PM, Cafe du Monde is crowded. Couples mostly sitting across from each other over plates of beignets. Amid them, though, Erik sees the close crop of Charles’ hair and the faint color in his cheeks from being outdoors too long. He desperately wants to say something, but he knows that Anna Marie saw him earlier and chooses another path.

He sits in the empty seat at Charles’ table and says nothing. Charles is so engrossed in his book that until Erik grabs a beignet, he’s sure that Charles hasn’t heard him.

“What?” Charles asks as he looks up from his book. “Erik?”

“Yes, it’s me. Hello.” He’s nervous all of a sudden, seeing Charles’ confused look. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Charles laughs at him, puts his book down and says, “I doubt that very much. I ran into Anna Marie earlier.”

“So you’ve heard our news.”

“And met Anna Marie’s friend.” 

Erik’s curious about what that means, but he’s more curious about the letter. “I want to ask about something else. What was your letter about?” He pulls out the letter, still as neat as he could make it after so many hours in his pocket.

Charles ducks his head, trying to hide, as Erik pushes the letter towards his friend.

“What do you think it means?” Charles asks, evading Erik’s question with his own. It’s one of Charles’ oldest tricks, and on most days, Erik would fall for it, but not today. He’s sure he loves Charles, but right now he needs and wants to know that Charles feels the same. Otherwise all this has been wasted.

“Did you look up the French phrase?” Charles continues. More questions, but this time Erik doesn’t mind. Erik pulls his eyes to meet Charles’ and stares as he readies himself to reply.

“The heart-wrenching pain of wanting something you can’t have.” Charles’ eyes tell him he’s correct and that Charles has been keeping a secret for years. “You want me?” he asks quietly.

There’s a minute nod from Charles. Erik takes that as the sign he knows it is, and shifts himself closer to Charles. He’s almost into Charles’ personal space before he says, “I love you.”

-

He can’t believe what he’s heard. He won’t. Erik’s words aren’t true. 

Erik can’t love him. Doesn’t love him. He’s sure of it as sure as he is that he knows his way through the main branch of the New York Public Library.

“You don’t mean that,” he says, his voice as quiet as Erik's confession had been.

“It took Marie letting me go without a thought, your cufflink in the hotel and a long ride to realize it. You’re my better half, Charles. You always have been. I don’t make any decisions without you. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”

Charles wants to push back, wants to run and hide. He's waited for such a long time for Erik to say those three little words, and now that he's actually heard them, he can't believe them.

“Do you find me attractive?” he asks, because that’s as safe a question as he can come up without resorting to something crass.

“I’ve been attracted to you since we were in high school. I just didn’t have a name for it.” As the words fall from Erik’s lips, Charles feels a hand on his thigh, gently radiating warmth into Charles’ skin.

Charles tries to ask another question, but Erik’s lips press against his and everything else fades into white noise.

-

As if he’s meant to demonstrate his love for Charles, Erik spends the next three days wooing Charles through town. They take a mansion tour, another of the cemeteries on the Full Moon and a few slow walks through Bourbon Street in the early hours of the morning after nights talking.

He’s tactile and affectionate, yet Charles still hesitates.

“You can’t be serious?” Charles asks, each time Erik leans in for another kiss.

“I won’t know until we try,” is his heartfelt response.

At each turn, Charles declines and says, “I’ll see you later.”

Erik’s not sure if Charles is sincere or not.

-

Nothing he’s done with Erik the past days is real. He’s positive. He can’t be wooed and courted like some eighteenth century maiden by his best friend. Despite all his wishes coming true, there’s an element that this all should still be hypothetical and not actual; Erik was always meant to marry a beautiful woman and have the stereotypical life. Erik was never meant to fall for Charles; Erik had never shown interest in other men, so why would he be interested in Charles?

He can’t.

He won’t be.

Even if it’s all he’s ever wanted.

-

In the week since realizing he loves Charles, Erik is sure that he can understand _la douleur exquise_. 

He’s tried as best he can to show Charles the depth of his love, but it never seems to be enough.

As if all Charles’ love is dependent on Erik being out of reach. Erik’s no longer forbidden fruit. He’s here, and waiting, and now Charles, in Erik’s mind, wants none of it.

They have plans later in the day to walk through the Quarter. Erik books a train to Los Angeles and knows that if he’s to do anything else, it’s with or without Charles.

-

Charles realizes that Erik’s aloof as they walk. He’s quieter than usual, and keeps his distance.

It’s a punch to Charles’ gut - proof that Erik can’t want him - and so he resolves to let himself go back to the world of maybes.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” Erik says finally. “Taking the train to LA. I’ve wanted to see the Pacific for ages.”

“You never told me that. I would have gone with you in college on one of my trips to see Hank.”

“It was never the right time. Now it seems like it might be perfect. They say it’s the land of reinvention.”

Charles wants to press the issue, but sees how Erik’s eyes have a far-off gaze. He’s searching for something, perhaps. “What’s left for you to reinvent?”

“I’m not engaged and my best friend can’t stand my company. Seems like a perfect time for reinvention.”

“You can’t mean that,” Charles says.

“I can and I do. What do you think I’ve been doing this week? Am I not good enough for you? I told you I love you and you do nothing.” Charles stands still, shocked into silence.

Erik takes a few more steps before he looks back. 

“You could have told me it was foolish of me to say. I haven’t been able to figure you out since I found you.”

“You meant it?” he asks. He walks closer to Erik to make it less awkward.

“What do you think I meant when I tried to feel you up and kissed you?”

“I,” he pauses, “I thought you were experimenting. Reeling from Anna Marie’s rejection.”

“She didn’t reject me. She let me go because she knew something I didn’t. She knew that what was between her and me never compared to what we have. I didn’t see that until I was in DC. I didn’t understand it until I was on my way here. I want to try it with you now, if you’ll let me.”

All Charles can do is say, “Oh,” as the realization dawns. “Can you change your ticket for one more person?”

“I think I can so long as you don’t mind sharing my Sleeper.”

“I don’t mind at all.”

Charles grabs for Erik’s hand and grips it tightly. They amble through the rest of the Quarter and stop, hand-in-hand, in front of the Jackson statue. There’s a cool reflection off the St. Louis Cathedral that reminds Charles of the Washington Monument.

He wonders if Erik thinks the same.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to **luninosity** and **ninemoons42** for the beta help. Any remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> Title nicked from "Motorcycle Drive By" by Third Eye Blind.


End file.
